HANDY TIPS

· A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

· FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb.

· DRILL a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

· SAVE gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

· SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

· HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of dishwashing liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping cart and the other in your coat pocket.

· LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

· AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.